Saturday, August 6, 2011

Wolf Dream

Moonlight trickles into the room and I watch it play along my wall casting images that make my heart beat quickly. I turn away from it, from the shadows that are terrifying to me. My eyes try to peer through the darkness of the rest of my room but the shadows are too thick and I close my eyes to block out the imagined monsters lurking there.

The air in the room presses against me and I struggle under the blankets trying to kick them off. My skin feels like it is on fire but the cool breeze from the air conditioning does nothing to calm it. It feels as though a thousand embers are slowly burning against me and I fight the urge to jump up and swipe at my skin.

As I shift restlessly on my bed, a noise comes to me. Deep, primal, fierce - the growl raises the hairs on the back of my neck and I suddenly feel cold, as though I had been dunked in a tank of ice water. I turn towards the window. The blinds pulled tight enough so I can see nothing but the vibrant moonlight.

I know they are there, watching the window. Their growls pulling me up onto my feet and I stand at the window, my hand hovering over the pull. The urge to see them is strong but I fight it, telling myself to go back to bed. Telling myself to forget the pull of the growls. There is nothing there for me but pain.

I shake my head, my long blonde hair cascading around my face and my fingers touch the cold plastic of the blinds. Biting my lip, I raise the blinds and search the darkness outside.

My gaze falls upon the first wolf and he is beautiful. His eyes flash yellow in the moonlight and his lips curl upwards as the snarl pours from his throat. The rest of the pack of wolves are turned towards him, watching him. I sigh at the beauty and lean forward to try to catch a better view but as I do, the pack shifts and they turn their wild eyes onto me.

I freeze but before I can drop the blinds, pain lances through me and I feel myself changing, become the wolf. Yellow eyes watch me with interest and I hear them calling, "You are here. Finally, you are here..."

I start awake, sitting straight up from bed and stare at the window. I can hear the deep, throaty growls and I long to stand up and see what is there. I remember the dream and lay back down. Tears prick at my eyes and I turn away, too afraid of what may happen, where I finally fall asleep...

As I mentioned a few days ago in my wolf story, shortly after my first encounter with a pack, I began having a wolf dream. It was reoccurring and sometimes, when I woke up from it, I would wonder if it was a dream at all. Maybe it was something deeper and while I longed to figure out what it was, I could never bring myself to delve deeper into it.

The first time I dreamt it, I never realized that it was a dream within a dream when I woke up but after I kept having the dream, I realized that it was just a second part of the wolf dream.

I think though that it was a reminder to find myself. That I need to arrive to where I am going so that a new journey can start. On the other could just be a dream but there is never anything wrong with dreaming.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I find this dream very interesting, Sirena. I was told recently that, to interpret my dream, I should place myself in each peron, or object, and see what it tells me of myself.

The wolves at haliburton are wild, beautiful, powerful, and fearfully constructed creatures. They are, however, tamed, and there is a certain aimlessness to their lives.
When I visited the wolf center, I remember thinking how little they resembled the proud, cruel, instinctual, powerful, magnanimous, sometimes gentle creatures that populated Jack London, and others' writing.

In your other blog, you spoke about finding the essence of who you are, amidst all the roles you play. Perhaps, like the wolves, you suffer from a sort of aimlessness of captivity: that longing to be freed, yet you fear the powerful instincts that could be unleashed were the boundaries removed, or the existence of other more powerful predators, or hungers that your boundaries keep out.

Possibly, were the boundaries removed, you might find your world smaller, and yourself less interested in exploring.

My dad tells a story of a boundary-less school. They decided that the fences on the playground were too restrictive, so they were removed. Rather than exploring to the edges of the property, or even leaving the property, the kids congregated in the center of the yard and didn't stray far from it. Much as the wolves stayed near the wolf center (probably because that's where they were fed LOL)

So the roles you take on don't define you, yet, like the fences, they provide you a secure space to explore and play.

I would suggest that the kids on the playground are hardly aware that other such playgrounds exist, and you have many more playgrounds of the soul to explore, and the blessing of a secure foundation(your marriage, economic security, family, work etc).

Thanks for sharing this dream! I find it so wonderful to consider that while my life may seem mundane, that there are always adventures, and much more powerful forces at work than what I see presently.

I can relate to your expressions of an 'existential funk', an identity crisis, or a search for meaning. This is universal.

Another beautiful story, is of a lady who grew up in a middle class home. She was Jewish, and this was prior to world war two. She was sent to a concentration camp, and there contracted the disease that would eventually end her life. she recounts how, through the hospital window, she was able to see just a small part of a branch of a tree. Amidst the drab, sparse, and uncomfortable hospital surroundings, and the constant sounds of agony, and wretchedness, she clung to that branch. As the winds caressed the leaves, and branches, her soul was also lifted, and gently tossed to and fro, in a magical dance. She found freedom, and peace, while considering the plight of the leaves. She lamented how, in her middle class existence, she lacked any awareness of suffering, and hardship, that would have deepened her appreciation for freedom, and joy.

So I hope today, that you find beauty, freedom, and joy amidst the secure, the safe and the mundane.